Marriage ?????

Q: Why doesn’t law permit a man to marry a second woman?

A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!

———— ——— —

Man: Is there any way for longlife?

Dr: Get married.

Man: Will it help?

Dr: No, but the thought of longlife will never come.

———— ——— —

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

It’s a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

———— ——— —

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?

Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

———— ——— —

It’s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.

It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

———— ——— —

It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into Wives.

———— ——— –!

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.

After marriage, he’ll fall asleep before you finish.

———— ——— —

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.

It’s called marriage.

———— ——— —

Girlfriends are like chocolates, taste good anytime.

Lovers are like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.

Husbands are like Dal RICE, eaten when there’s no choice.

———— ——— —

Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?

Man: Don’t take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.

———— ——— —

Prospective husband: Do you have a book called ‘Man, The Master of Women’?

Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

———— ——— —

There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go through hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.

———— ——— —

Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!

Funny boards

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

************ ********* *****

On a Plumber’s truck:

‘We repair what your husband fixed.’

************ ********* *****

On another Plumber’s truck:

‘Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.’

************ ********* *****

On a Church’s Bill board:

‘7 days without God makes one weak.’

************ ********* *****

At a Tyre Store

‘Invite us to your next blowout.’

************ ********* *****

On an Electrician’ s truck:

‘Let us remove your shorts.’

************ ********* *****

In a Non-smoking Area:

‘If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.’

************ ********* *****

On a Maternity Room door:

‘Push. Push. Push.’

************ ********* *****

At an Optometrist’ s Office:

‘If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.’

************ ********* *****

On a Taxidermist’ s window:

‘We really know our stuff.’

************ ********* *****

On a Fence:

‘Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!’

************ ********* *****

At a Car Dealership:

‘The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.’

************ ********* *****

Outside a Car Exhaust Store:

‘No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.’

************ ********* *****

In a Vets waiting room:

‘Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!’

************ ********* *****

In a Restaurant window:

‘Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.’

************ ********* *****

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

‘Drive carefully. We’ll wait.’

************ ********* *****

And don’t forget the sign at a


‘Best place in town to take a leak.’

************ ********* *

Sign on the back of yet another

Septic Tank Truck:

‘Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises’

How to spot an Indian

Ø Everything you eat is savored with garlic, onions and chillies.
Ø You try and re-use gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminum foil.
Ø You are standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the airport.
Ø You arrive one or two hours late to a party, and think it’s normal.
Ø You peel the stamps off letters that the postal service missed to stamp.
Ø Your toilet has a plastic bowl next to the commode.
Ø All your children have pet names, which sound nowhere close to their real names.
Ø You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone’s house.
Ø You load up the family car with as many people as possible.
Ø You use plastic to cover anything new in your house whether it’s the remote control, VCR, carpet or new couch .
Ø You live with your parents even if you are 40 years old. (And they like it that way).
Ø If she is NOT your daughter, you always take interest in knowing whose daughter has run with whose son and feel it’s your duty to spread the word.
Ø You only make long distance call after 11pm.
Ø If you don’t live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you’ve eaten, even if it’s midnight.
Ø When your parents meet Indian for the first time and talk for a few minutes, you soon discover they are your relatives.
Ø Your parents don’t realize phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs while talking.
Ø You have bed sheets on your sofas so as to keep them from getting dirty.
Ø It’s embarrassing if your wedding has less than 600 people.You List your daughter as “fair and slim” in the matrimonial no matter what she looks like.
Ø You’re always interested to know/interfere in others’ personal matters, what they are doing, where they are going, etc.
Ø You have really enjoyed reading this mail because you know some, or most of them, applies to you!

Ha ha ha Hoz It?

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language.

In what other language do people drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?

Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?

Why is it that when we transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when we transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?

Why are people who ride motorcycles called bikers and people who ride bikes called cyclists?

In what other language do thay call the third hand on the clock the second hand?

Why is it called a TV set when you get only one?

Why – in our crazy language – can your nose run and your feet smell?

Sometimes you have to believe that all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane:If olive oil is made of olives, what do they make baby oil from?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian consume?

A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that stings.But fingers don’t fing and grocers don’t groce.If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn’t the plural of booth be beeth?

If the teacher taught, why isn’t it also true that the preacher praught?

If harmless actions are the opposite of harmful actions, why are shameless and shameful behavior the same?

English is a language in which you can turn a light on and you can turn a light off and you can turn a light out, but you can’t turn a light in;

In which the sun comes up and goes down, but prices go up and come down.

In which your nose can simultaneously burn up and burn down and your car can slow up and slow down, in which you can fill in a form by filling out a form and in which your alarm clock goes off by going on.

English is a crazy language.

What is it that when the sun or the moon or the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible?;

and why when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I shall end it?

Definition of a Kiss

Prof .of Economics
Kiss is that thing for which the demand is aways higher than the supply.
Prof. Of Accountancy
Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. Of Algebra
Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing.
Prof. Of Geometry
Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.
Prof. Of Physics
Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. Of Chemistry
Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. Of Zoology
Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria.
Prof. Of Physiology
Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. Of Dentistry
Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. Of Philosophy
Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. Of English
Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction, it is more common than proper, it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. Of Architecture
Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects
Prof. Of Comp.Science
What is a kiss? It seems to be an undefined variable

Human mind resembles the Kurukshetra battlefield

The battlefield at Kurukshetra is the human mind.
It is always in conflict, faced with the freedom to choose without wisdom. The owner of the Chariot is the ego or jivatma. The body is the chariot, a vehicle by means of which a life of dharma or ethical living may be achieved. The intellect is the charioteer(Krishna) , and with such a person steering the course, success in any endeavour is assured. The five horses are the five sense organs.
The road ahead is littered with sense objects that the mind runs after. The mind is the reins, and when it is calm and collected, it can control and keep the sense organs from running wild and taking wrong paths…….

Evolution of Man- Life explained to you

On the first day, God created the dog and said:’Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.’The dog said: ‘That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?’So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:’Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.’The monkey said: ‘Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?’And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:’You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.’The cow said: ‘That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?’And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said:’Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.’But the human said: ‘Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”Okay,’ said God, ‘You asked for it.’
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.

English a “silly” language….

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn’t canine. English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese?
Is cheese the plural of choose? One mouse, 2 mice. One louse, 2 lice. One house, 2 hice? If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as Hell one day and cold as Hell another? When a house burns up, it burns down.
You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on. You get in and out of a car, yet you get on and off a bus. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it? English is a silly language… it doesn’t know if it is coming or going!!

How to install Love software

Service Rep: Hello, you have reached the Heart Systems Software Company help desk. How may I help you?
Customer: I just received your latest program, LOVEv4.0…you know….the freeware. I don’t understand it. Can you tell me how to install it?
Service Rep: Sure thing ma’am. Do you have the installation disk and instructions with you?
Customer: Yes I do, but first can you tell me what the program does?
Service Rep: Sure thing ma’am. LOVE is a unique program, there is no other like it in the world. LOVE attaches to your operating system and runs silently in the background, you will never see LOVE on your monitor or your toolbar, but you will notice its affect on every application you may have. It makes the good programs run smoother and greatly restricts and/or deletes the bad ones.
Customer: Wow! That sounds great. How does LOVE make my machine run smoother?
Service Rep: Well, good sound files, like COMPLIMENT.WAV, ENCOURAGEMENT. WAV, and KINDWORD.WAV will play frequently. Also, FORGIVENESS. EXE will be invoked every time there is an external violation, including the ever-popular syntax errors. Also, all those aggravating errors that say “unable to connect” will be avoided. LOVE allows for a smooth connection with external devices, regardless of what country it is manufactured in, the brand name, or the age of the model.
Customer: That’s exactly what I need, my machine has been isolated for too long. But what about the bad programs?
Service Rep: Good question. LOVE searches your memory for programs like HATE.COM, BITTERNESS.EXE, SELFISH.COM, and SPITE.EXE. These programs can’t be entirely deleted off your hard drive, but LOVE overpowers those programs. LOVE stops their commands from being executed and runs its own instructions. You will no longer hear INSULT.WAV and you wont be able to write with the fonts “BADWORDS12” or “HARSHNESS10” .
Customer: That’s a fantastic program you have. Are the upgrades free too?
Service Rep: They sure are ma’am.
Customer: How do I get the upgrades?
Service Rep: That’s easy. Once you have LOVE installed and running, it automatically copies a module, or a piece of itself, to every external Harddrive Email And Remote Terminal (HEART) that it comes in contact with. In turn, those external devices run whatever version of LOVE they have and return a module to your HEART. You will be upgraded with each and every module that you receive. But you have to remember, to receive the upgrades you have to be running LOVE and you have to come into contact with other computers while it is running.
Customer: I can do that. I’m not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?
Service Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma’am?
Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?
Service Rep: What programs are running ma’am?
Customer: Let me see….I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.
Service Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma’am?
Customer: I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
Service Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS. EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, I’m done.LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?
Service Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?
Service Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEART’s in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops…I have an error message already. What should I do?
Service Rep: What does the message say?
Customer: It says “ERROR 412 – PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS”. What does that mean?
Service Rep: Don’t worry ma’am, that’s a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to “LOVE” your own machine before it can “LOVE” others.
Customer: So what should I do?
Service Rep: Can you find the directory called “SELF-ACCEPTANCE” ?
Customer: Yes, I have it.
Service Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.
Customer: Thank you.
Service Rep: You’re welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the “MYHEART” directory: FORGIVESELF. DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH. TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT. COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!
Service Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go…
Customer: Yes?
Service Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.
Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.
Author unknown

Indian Student

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named
Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American History. Who
said ‘Give me Liberty , or give me Death’?”
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his
hand up: ‘Patrick Henry, 1775’ he said.
‘Very good!’
Who said ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People,
shall not perish from the Earth?’
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. ‘Abraham Lincoln, 1863’
said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, ‘Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history
than you do.’
She heard a loud whisper: ‘F*ck the Indians,’
Who said that?’ she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
‘General Custer, 1862.’
At that point, a student in the back said, ‘I’m gonna puke.’
The teacher glares around and asks ‘All right! Now, who said that?’
Again, Chandrasekhar says, ‘George Bush to the Japanese Prime
Minister, 1991.’
Now furious, another student yells, ‘Oh yeah? Suck this!’
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher , ‘Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!’
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said ‘You little shit. If you say
anything else, I’ll kill you.’
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ‘ Michael
Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.’
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone
said, ‘Oh shit, we’re screwed!’
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, “I think it was the American people,
November 4, 2008.”